Here is the original poem “Resume” by Ms. Parker:

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

Here is my version, in honor of Staff Appreciation Day:

File folders cut you;
Water spigot is damp;
(actually the pantry sink has been
“out of order” for two weeks—must
be difficult to find that part)
Felt tip pens stain you;
And farewell cake causes cramp.
Scissors make bloody;
Phone cords give;
Toner is carcinogenic;
Stay at your desk and live.

* * * * *

P.S. I’m a huge fan of Dorothy Parker. I was having trouble with the last line, so my dear and talented hubby came up with that one.