Things I Don’t Understand

1.   Family stencils / decals on the back of cars, or what my husband Lorin calls “the serial killer’s menu.”

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(google)

2.  People who ride Citi Bikes (New York thing) on the sidewalk. It’s both rude and dangerous. Oh, and don’t get me started on the ones who go through red lights and ride on the wrong side of the road.

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3.  People who race through Shoprite as if their carts are on fire. It’s kind of weird and also dangerous: you could hit a little kid or old lady that way!

shopping carts

(photo by me)

4.  Why cashiers at Duane Reade say, “the following guest” or simply “the following”? I never feel like I’m a guest at Duane Reade. Are we at a party or a pharmacy?

5.  Why we can’t pump our own gas in New Jersey. NJ folks text, apply makeup, give themselves bikini waxes, eat entire meals, read newspapers and talk on the phone in their cars, but we’re not allowed to pump our own gas. Some of us don’t mind a bit: bumper stickers and T-shirts abound proclaiming:

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6.  Why Governor Christie is still in office. The New York Times aired the latest dirty laundry: giving his pal Donald Trump a major break on taxes for the Taj Mahal Casino. No wonder the Garden State can’t afford decent lighting on the roadways and pothole repair.

7.  Why people don’t like Sphynx cats. Come on, look at this puss.

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8. Short people on the NJ Transit bus who lean their seats all the way back so the person behind them gets their legs crushed. Is it a Napoleon complex? By the way, it’s generally smaller women who do this.  Same goes for people on airplanes. It’s rude!

9.  People with “glass head syndrome.” Those are the co-workers who are friendly to you one day and the next look through you as if your head was made of glass and you don’t exist.

10.  Cookie dough ice cream. Both cookie dough and the ice cream of the same name make me sick to my stomach, and I love baking.

 

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 2 & Other Things That Piss Me Off

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Screengrab

(1)  The sequel to The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, aptly called The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel 2.
I know why it was made, but I don’t like the idea that it was made (to clarify, I haven’t seen it yet). Everything good (or not, sometimes) gets commodified and franchised. Don’t believe me? Watch Black MirrorEverything I know comes from Netflix.

(2)  Bad Chinese astrology.
This is my Chinese horoscope for the day:

In the news: Check for the opening of a great new play. Don’t be surprised if a celebrity you know is having an emotionally difficult time. What the heck, pick up a copy of People magazine while in the supermarket checkout line and catch up on the latest Hollywood gossip.

WTF? Okay, I guess I can do the first thing, but play-going is an expensive venture, especially in NYC. “Celebrities I know”? How many of us actually know celebrities? And I refuse to pick up a copy of People to check out the latest baby “bumps,” what Hugh Jackman eats for brunch or find out when Jennifer Aston will finally marry Justin Theroux and have that baby that we are all PRAYING for! There’s still time, Jen. We’re all rooting for you!

(3)  People who stand too close to you on the bus line at Port Authority.
Do they find it comforting to stand so close—are they cold and need the body heat? Sometimes I feel like the person behind me is my long-lost Siamese twin or wants to ride piggyback. Or do I look like a leaning post to them? I am not a stick of furniture!

(4)  Drivers who honk on Sundays or when totally unnecessary.
One Sunday, my reflexes weren’t fast enough to race ahead after the light changed green, and the person behind me (in New Jersey) blared his horn.  Where the hell is he going on a Sunday afternoon?

(5)  People who text while walking during rush hour in NYC.
Okay, folks, if you need to text, get out of the way! I’ve heard talk of a “texting lane” being established in the U.S., and it can’t come too soon. They already have it in China. They text on the busy streets, walking down and up the subway stairs and on the escalators at Port Authority. Look the hell up! There is a world out there.

(6)  Dust.
It settles and grows, settles and grows and I’m allergic to it and can’t get rid of it, and I hate dusting!

(7)  Governor Christie.
He announced yesterday that he could do a better job thwarting ISIS than President Obama. He went so far as to brag that he would implement the same strategies he’s used to make New Jersey the great state it is today. New Jersey is drowning, Christie! Unemployment and poverty have escalated during your tenure, residents are leaving in droves and the state ranks 49th in terms of private sector job growth.

Whew, I feel so much better now. What pisses you off today?

 

 

Chris Christie Tanks in London

Chris Christie

Eugene smith

Governor Christie’s 3-day “trade mission” to London paid for by—you guessed it—New Jersey taxpayers has proved fruitless, despite his penchant for “squeezing all the juice out of the orange.”

Christie is a kind of Boss Tweed, taking for himself and his family and leaving New Jerseyans to flounder in the wreckage.

New Jersey is only one of three states where poverty has gone up according to the latest U.S. Census data. (New Mexico and Washington are the two others.) Back in 2007, 8.6 percent of the state lived below the poverty line. That went up to 9.4 percent in 2009 and in 2013 hit 11.4 percent. 

A month after being sworn in as NJ governor in 2010, he declared a fiscal state of emergency, and said, “Like any family . . . we must live within our means.” Why doesn’t he do the same?

Previous New Jersey governors have flown commercial for trade missions, but Christie traveled by private plane for three. He takes his family on all the trips and stays in five-star hotels. Taxpayers footed the bill for him, his wife and two aides to travel to the 2013 Super Bowl in New Orleans. Airfare totaled $8,146 for the four and his 3-night hotel bill was $3,371. These costs were only disclosed after The Record, a northern NJ paper, filed a lawsuit and a judge’s order ordered him to do so. In response to other public records requests, the governor’s office has said that he is not subject to disclosure laws regarding travel or that they don’t have the records.

On his first day as governor, Christie promised “a new era of accountability and transparency.” Really?

His administration has been unwilling to disclose basic information such as payroll data without first being sued by various media outlets. The Christie administration is currently battling 23 open-records requests in court.

And what about his personal stake in the World Trade Center:

Less than two years before Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones paid for New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie’s tickets and travel to NFL games, government documents show Christie personally pushed the Port Authority to approve a lucrative contract for a firm part-owned by Jones.

In March 2013, Governor Andrew Cuomo and Governor Christie chose Legends Hospitality LLC (owned by the Dallas Cowboys, New York Yankees and Checketts Partners Investment Fund) to operate the World Trade Center observation deck. The Port Authority spent a whopping $4 billion (borrowed money, still to be paid off) to re-vamp the World Trade Center transportation hub alone, leaving nothing for the decrepit 42nd Street Bus Terminal which has not been renovated in 40 years and funnels 250,000 commuters daily. But that’s another story . . .

And then there’s Bridgegate, which will never die. That was his Waterloo, immortalized by Bruce Springsteen and Jimmy Fallon. Time to bail out, Christie. We know you orchestrated it. How could we possibly want you for President?

And another thing, Christie has bad manners. When asked how he reacted to many Londoners not knowing who he was during his trip, he said, “I don’t think I have to worry about that. I’m not running for anything in the United Kingdom anytime soon.”

Consider yourself fortunate, U.K.!

The Ice Storm

fog and trees

Thomas E Bush IV

Yesterday was not a day to be out of doors. Ruby, our red Pathfinder, was covered in a sheet of ice, icicles hanging like fringe from the side mirrors and the bottom of the doors—not the surrey with the fringe on top. We had to venture forth. Ruby saved me during a car accident almost 4 years to the day; she would come through for us today.

We were out of salt, so Lorin scattered kitty litter on the front steps and walkway before we left. It does the trick, but it’s a bitch to clean up later.

It took about two hours to drive from New Jersey to the Bronx—there was an accident on the Bruckner Interchange. We headed to the Whitestone, onto the Cross Island Parkway, then onto the LIE. It took another hour to reach Long Island with the brakes acting up, Lorin pumping them to try to unfreeze the brake pads. It took a while to come to a full stop on icy roads. It was a white knuckler of a ride.

When I allowed myself not to be afraid, I took in the sky: thick and white, only the outlines of trees visible. Hauntingly beautiful and composed.

Cold, snow, ice and loss have mixed together into a kind of cosmic blender. A gentle snow fell the night of my accident in 2011, the first time I diapered my mother, recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

Another January has come, and Lorin’s father has passed away after a heart attack from which he never awoke. Lorin, his dad’s girlfriend B and I were at the hospital on and off for nine days. The palliative team at Bellevue Hospital kept him very comfortable, and he died peacefully. A good death, you could say.

We gathered on Long Island with family for bagels and coffee, to look at photographs, to reminisce and make plans for a memorial, most likely in the spring.

“Dad liked nature,” Lorin said. He would have liked to see the flowers in bloom.

Out of the ice and into the bloom.

He sang in the choir at his Lutheran church. They laid his robe over his chair during the church service yesterday.

We drove his girlfriend B back to Brooklyn, Lorin still pumping brakes, no ice falling, but heavy rain.

When Lorin lit up a cigarette, B said, “That reminds me of your father.”

“How many did he smoke a day?” I asked.

“Only 2 or 3. I’ll miss him when I’m at home,” she said.

It was a little easier driving home, but still scary at times. At times we stopped breathing, I think.

This morning, I scraped off the cemented-on kitty litter on the stairs and walkway with a shovel, disposing of as much as I could; some was frozen under a layer of ice. Later on, Lorin hosed off more of the litter and put down liquid blue Ice Melt. We dropped Ruby off at the mechanic.

A London Broil’s in the slow cooker, listening to the new age music channel, Soundscapes.

No ice storm in the forecast. We welcome the mundane.

The Year of the Sheep Says F**k You!

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Ox

Welcome to 2015, the Year of the Sheep (Goat) in Chinese astrology. I only know because my husband Lorin has been a practitioner of kung fu for over a decade, and we often go to Chinese New Year celebrations with his school. We will not be going this year.

This year represents a great challenge to those born in the year of the Ox. This is because the Goat, the eighth sign in the Chinese zodiac, opposes the Ox, which is the second sign. 

In other words, this year will SUCK for those born in the Year of the Ox. For anyone who’s interested, I’m a Metal Ox, the most intense, determined and motivated of the Ox signs.The Metal Ox is loyal and dependable and lives life with a foundation of morals and tradition. I’m not really traditional, but what the heck. They can’t get it all right.

The Metal Ox is highly motivated and has few limitations as long as he/she remains passionate. Also very stubborn and can a “frightening” temper if pushed (that’s what one of the entries says). He/she has a strong sense of values and justice (true), and could do well in politics or law or in entertainment; famous Metal Oxen include Barack Obama, George Clooney and Forest Whitaker. Hooray for them and me!

On the down side, the Sheep doesn’t like the Ox. What have we ever done to you?

General Forecast for 2015
This may in fact be a complicated year for some Oxen, but it won’t be so for all.

Too late for that, it’s already been a doozy of a year and it’s only January 13.

Focus, determination and following through with your plans will be a must if you want to reap the reward during the last quarter of the year.

I have to wait till the last quarter of the year, so September? What do I do till then? Well, that’s harvest season, sounds like a good time to reap. Also my birthday month.

Career Forecast
Progress may be difficult in 2015. The Oxen may have the feeling that their efforts are worthless.

Shit!

Money Forecast
Even though they may feel a lot of pressure, they should not commit illicit or unlawful actions. The Ox would run the risk of paying too high a price for the smallest mistake.

Don’t rob a bank or embezzle, check. Don’t jay walk or drive while impaired or tripping on Day Quil. Did you know that drivers have been pulled over for DUIs because they still had traces of NyQuil in their systems from the previous night? I kid you not. Well I also live in New Jersey. It’s one way to gain revenue for an economically floundering state. But I digress. Don’t want to go to prison, check.

Anyway, if they avoid risk investments or unusual initiatives, the balance by the end of the year will be positive.

End of the year? Like when, December 31? I need to know when to invest!

Health Forecast
The biggest danger in 2015 is that, in situations of great tension, health may become a weak link. That means this aspect of life should be a priority.

Okay, so don’t be tense, and I won’t get sick. Easier said than done.

Final Message (Warning, is more like it)
The star Tail of the Leopard appears in the fate of Oxen. To step on the tail of the leopard, inadvertently or not, means the fiercest ferocity will awake and turn against you.

I don’t know of any leopards in my community or workplace, but I will be sure to steer clear of local zoos. I will make sure not to step on my cat Quincy’s tail again so he doesn’t hiss at me.

Due to the influence of this star, people born in the year of the Ox should keep all their possible discretion and avoid provoking people or institutions.

Okay, so no demonstrations, no inflammatory political writings, no acts of domestic terrorism or writing letters to my congressmen. I will also avoid eye contact on the subway at all costs. Check.

Best months of the year 2015 for Ox: April, August, September, October, November and December.

Okay, so I will go live in a cave from now until April 1, then do the same from May through July 31. Seems doable.

That’s my year in Chinese astrology. Now tell me about yours.

Medicaid-land

The Twilight Zone

google images

You are traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of mind, a journey into a wondrous land where boundaries are that of imagination. That’s the sign post up ahead. Your next stop—Medicaid-land.

Pseudonyms are used for Medicaid and nursing home personnel.

The day after Christmas. My husband Lorin and I are wrung out from Christmas traveling. Yet we journey to Metropolitan Hospital in New York City, locus of the central Medicaid office, to obtain the essential piece of paper, the paper that would save us all—proof of my mother’s disenrollment from NY Medicaid. We moved her to a nursing home in New Jersey on September 6, the Actors Home, but she will not qualify for NJ Medicaid until this final document is obtained. We shall fight to the death for this document.

We arrive at the office. Lorin speaks to a bespectacled man in white thawb (gown) and kufi, who motions to his right. “She help you,” he mutters, almost unintelligibly.

The woman says, “This is the wrong office. You need to contact the office in Brooklyn that handles nursing home transfers.” She’s a bit gruff at first, but then she warms up, perhaps realizing our plight.

She writes down two phone numbers and an address.

Lorin says, “This is an urgent matter. We need the document in the next two weeks or we’ll have to start the enrollment process all over again.”

She says, “That shouldn’t be a problem.”

We thank her and return to the car.

The numbers have a 929 area code—the area code for another dimension. That’s not the Brooklyn area code, or any cell phone area code that we know of.

We make the calls in the car. I call the first 929 number.

“Hello, my mother was living in a nursing home in New York, and now . . .”

She cuts me off, “You have to call 718-557-1368.”

“But . . .”

Click.

Lorin says, “Call back.”

We put the cell phone on speaker and call the second number. A man answers.

“Hello, my mother-in-law moved from a nursing home in New York to a home in New Jersey and we need confirmation of her disenrollment so she can get New Jersey Medicaid,” Lorin says.

“You have to call this number: 718-557-1368,” the man says.

“Okay, but we need confirmation right away. This is time-sensitive,” Lorin says.

“I understand, but we can’t help you here. You have to call this number. They can give you what you need,” the man says.

“Okay. If we don’t get what we need from them, we may be stopping by your office,” Lorin says.

“We don’t see people here,” he says.

What kind of place is this, Area Code 929?

I call the 718 number, and speak to Miss S.

“What’s your mother’s social security number?” she says.

I give it to her.

“We don’t have a discharge notice for her from the other nursing home,” she says. “You’ll need to contact them to obtain the form.”

“Okay, what form do I need, and where does it go?”

“Tell them you need MAP 259F. They know what it is. They must complete the form, fax it to us, and indicate on the form where the confirmation notice should go, which would be your home address or the nursing home in New Jersey.”

“Okay, but New Jersey Medicaid needs this form in 2 weeks. Do you think that can be done?”

“That shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Thank you for your help. Happy Holidays.”

“Same to you.”

I call Silvia, the social worker at the old nursing home, and get voicemail. Lorin and I decide to go in person to get this taken care of. This form should have been sent right after Mom was discharged—almost 4 months ago. We are seething. I feel nauseous.

Lorin says, “No more Mr. Nice Guy.”

We drive to the nursing home in the Bronx, and wait for Marlene, the administrator, to speak with us.

She appears in the lobby, looking like a beaten dog.

“Hi, Marlene, Happy Holidays,” I say.

“What’s up?” she says, expressionless.

We explain the situation.

“Come into my office,” she says. “Silvia’s not in today, so this will have to get done on Monday.”

“Okay,” I say.

Lorin explains how urgently we need the document. “Why wasn’t the discharge notice sent back in September?” he says.

“I have no idea. Human error, I suppose. Nobody’s perfect,” Marlene says.

It’s hard to get angry at someone who looks like they’re on suicide watch, so we don’t.

“What’s the name of the form you need?”

“MAP 259F,” I say.

She locates it on her computer and prints it out.

“Write Silvia a note saying where you need the confirmation sent, and I’ll put it on her desk with the form.”

She hands me a slip of paper the size of a check, and I run out of space.

“May I have a larger piece of paper?” I ask, and she hands me a ruled notepad.

“May I sit here?” I ask, pointing to a chair piled high with boxes.

“Sure.”

I place the boxes on the floor and start to write a note. I ask Lorin to check the note, and he asks to re-write it: I’ve missed some pertinent facts. Guess I’m overly tired.

We hand the completed note to Marlene.

“Make sure you can read this,” Lorin says. She reads it.

“I’ll make sure Silvia sees this on Monday. Lorna is on vacation for two weeks starting Monday, so Silvia will be on her own which means she has an extra workload. She’ll do her best.”

“Okay, but we need this form as soon as possible,” Lorin says.

“I understand. She’ll fax you and the nursing home a confirmation on Monday after she faxes it to Medicaid. She won’t have to time to send emails to all these people,” she says, with tired disgust.

“That’s okay. We included the emails just in case,” I say. “Thanks for your help, Marlene, and Happy New Year.”

“Okay,” she says, and we exit the premises.

I send an update to the social worker at the Actors Home, letting her know what has transpired.

All we can do now is hope and pray that the MAP 259F will be completed and processed in due time. The Paperwork is all that matters in Medicaid-land.

 

How Did We Get Here?

By Erica Herd and L.E. Swenson

So there we were. Engaged, living in a one-bedroom walkup in Astoria, Queens. Rent was cheap. The commute was an effortless 20 minutes on the N train to midtown.

The apartment was a little small for two people who had accumulated decades of stuff and had three cats.

Everyone, from our family members to our friends, was telling us “Buy a house! Buy a co-op! Buy a condo! Why keep paying rent when you can build equity for your future.” It made sense.

So we started looking.

2007. It was the height of the market and prices were insane. We saw some lovely one-bedroom closets in Astoria, some seedy one-bedrooms in Yonkers and a beautiful one-bedroom closet in Katonah.

Then a good friend said, “Hey, come out to New Jersey. The house across the street is for sale.” It was time to go.

No more stomping upstairs neighbor hurling platform shoes across the floor and building furniture at 3 in the morning directly above our bedroom. No more heated arguments in undecipherable tongues resounding through the walls. We would have our own patch of dirt and a car, or two.

The final straw was the bed bugs.

For those who have not had the pleasure, they are a horror. Even months after they were gone, I found myself scratching and imagining they were crawling up my skin.

How did we get them? Perhaps they hitchhiked from Roosevelt Field on Long Island. The exterminator who came after we did our own bleach and water clean-up, said, “This isn’t the first time I’ve been in this building for bed bugs.” Renter’s insurance didn’t cover it. We had to wash and dry clean all our clothes and trash our sofa and brand new bed, where they had made themselves a home.

The little bastards suck your blood at night, then retreat into any nook or crevice they can find by day. Bed bug paratroopers who jump from the light fixtures and assault you while you sleep. Their stealth agents hitch rides on your pets and other people until they get to you. They prefer human blood.

We needed to get out of there, and leave the New York bugs behind (this includes roaches). Our friend helped us to an expedited closing on our new small two-bedroom house in the Jersey suburbs. We were on Cloud 9. Our own house. Our home. We hadn’t planned the wedding, but we had the house.

We were suburbanite initiates, armed with store cards for furniture and a home improvement loan for a new roof, siding, new bathroom and a thirsty lawn.

Then the bottom dropped out.

L.E. Swenson (co-author) received his bachelor’s degree in English from S.U.N.Y. Buffalo. He went on to study Theater at the New School for Social Research and received his Masters of Fine Arts in 1999. He has performed in regional theater at Buffalo’s Irish Classical Theater and Shakespeare in Delaware Park. He has written, acted, coached and stage managed in the New York area and continues to write and work in New York.