Ian McShane

I’m feeling cranky today. Cannot hide it, trying to work through it, but there it lies, murky and crusty and not going away. I know it’s not the end of the world; I have no real “excuse” to be feeling this way. I’m not being hunted by Jihadi John or under another form of extreme duress. In these moments of funk, I often find myself leaning an ear towards the words of one of TV’s most beloved (at least to me) characters, Al Swearengen (aka, Ian McShane) from Deadwood. Besides being incredibly sexy, some of his words bring solace to my soul, make me feel like it’s going to be alright, and even if it’s not, so be it, I’ll live.

Here is a favorite Al exchange with newspaper editor A.W. Merrick (Jeffrey Jones). Be forewarned, foul language to follow:

Al: Why ain’t you up and running again?

Merrick: I’m in despair. The physical damage is repairable, but the psychic wound may be permanent.

Al: (after a pause) You ever been beaten, Merrick?

Merrick: (rolls his eyes) Once, when I thought I had the smallpox, Doc Cochran slapped me in the face —

(Al slaps him.)

Merrick: Ah! (He stares at Al, touching his cheek — he leans forward) Stop it, Al.

Al: Are you dead?

Merrick: Well, (touches cheek) I’m in pain, but no, I’m obviously not dead.

Al: And obviously you didn’t fucking die when the Doc slapped you.

Merrick: No.

Al: So including last night, that’s three fucking damage incidents that didn’t kill you. Pain or damage don’t end the world, or despair, or fuckin’ beatings. The world ends when you’re dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man — and give some back.

I admit that I know NOTHING about the guy who has been hailed 2014’s “Sexiest Man Alive” by People magazine. Sorry, Chris Hemsworth. Honestly, I don’t find him at all exciting. It’s all a matter of taste, I suppose. As Salon rightly pointed out, the only person of color ever to be named SMA was Denzel Washington in 1996.

Besides my husband Lorin, who will not allow me to post his photo here, here are my choices:

Chiwetel Ejiofor. Hands-down, my first choice. Lorin will attest to the fact that I made him sit through an entire season of “Dancing on the Edge,” a very poorly written mini-series on STARZ, simply because Chiwetel starred in it. I like to call him by his first name . . . Chiwetel. I first saw him as a doctor in the riveting film, Dirty Pretty Things. What makes Chiwetel sexy? Everything. He is intelligent, handsome, a very good actor, has a sensuous mouth and he can play a drag queen (Kinky Boots), and I still find him sexy.

photo: Vivien Killilea, getty images

Raza Jaffrey. Smash star Raza Jaffrey now plays Aasar Khan in the current season of Homeland. Aasar Khan is the lieutetnant-colonel in the Pakistani intelligence service. If you didn’t catch last week’s episode, sparks were flying between him and Carrie. What makes him sexy? The smoldering gaze, masculine bearing, the fact that he needs Carrie to believe him and he calls her up in the middle of the night to tell her so (oh my).

photo: Magnus Hastings

Ian McShane. I first became enamored of him when he played Al Swearengen on Deadwood. He makes me go weak in the knees. Okay, he’s 72 years old now, but who cares? He’s got the voice of a god, the looks, bedroom eyes, intelligence, roguish grandeur . . . enough said.