Friday the 13th

When I woke up, it had been placed on my left foot – my glass slipper, the post-op shoe. The same shoes my mom wore at the first nursing home when the patent-leather Merrell sandals I got her went missing (never to be seen again). Underneath the shoe was a purple surgical bandage covered by an open-toed sock. Dr. A said it was one of the biggest bone spurs he had ever seen. Lorin and I nicknamed it “rhino horn.” I would have left the horn intact had it not started hurting and turning red a lot of the time—it had a temper. The horn has been chiseled away, and I’m promised a beautiful new foot after the stitches are removed.

Pre-op
In my experience, anesthesiologists are not a jolly lot, but this guy was. Dr. C was ginger-haired and freckled with a wide grin. He read through my chart.

“Erica, I love that name.”

I smile, “Like Erica Kane in the soap.”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Did she ever win an Emmy?”

“Yeah, they finally gave her one, I think. She was nominated like 100 times.”

“And you had jaundice at birth?” he says.

“Yes.”

One of the nurses, Marta, applies the blood pressure cuff.

“Do you know what jaundice is caused by? It happens because the baby’s blood contains an excess of bilirubin, a yellow-colored pigment of red blood cells. It happens with preemies sometimes. Ever see the babies under lights in the NCU? They use special blue lights on babies whose levels are very high– phototherapy. The lights help break down bilirubin in the skin.”

“Really? Like in the greenhouse,” I say.

“Yes.”

Another doctor walks in, Dr. X.

“I didn’t know you were a botanist,” Dr. X says to Dr. C.

Dr. C laughs.

Doctor X says to me, “Do you know the difference between xylem and phloem?”

“I learned that in elementary school,” I say.

“Which is which?” he says.

“Not sure.”

“Xylem carries water to the plant; phloem carries food. I learned it by phonetics – food, phloem.”

“Yes, that’s right. I used tricks like that in school too.”

“What’s the difference between stalagmites and stalactites?”

“Stalactites are the icicles in caves,” I say.

“So are stalagmites,” Dr. X says. “Stalagmites grow out from the cave floor and stalactites hang from the cave ceiling. I’m taking my kids to Howe Caverns next weekend, so I did some research.”

“My husband and I want to go there; we were thinking of getting married there,” I say.

The two doctors and the nurses, Marta and Marsha, smile.

Dr. C says, “I’ve got one for you. What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?”

Marsha says, “I don’t know.”

Dr. C says with a devilish grin, “The taste.”

We all groan.

Marta says to me, “We’re ready for you in Room 1.”

I sit in a lazy boy type chair, first removing the shoe and sock from my left foot and the shoe from my right.

Marta places a foam tube covered in plastic under my knees and Marsha pulls a crimson rubber curtain over my knees so my the bottom half of my legs are no longer visible.

Marsha says, “Nice clean foot.”

“I took a shower this morning. I knew I wouldn’t be able to wash it for 12 days.”

“You’d be surprised what we see in here,” Marsha says.

Dr. C starts a line for the IV. “Does anyone ever tell you you remind them of an actress?”

“Ellen Barkin,” I say, “and one other person.”

“No, somebody else.”

A Stevie Wonder song pipes through the room.

“I love that song,” Dr. C says. “I think they used that song in the movie, The Pride of the Yankees, with Gary Cooper.”

“Really, I don’t think that song was written yet,” I say.

“This is a remake, I’m pretty sure.”

“Hmm. That was such a good movie, with Donna Reed playing his wife, or was it Teresa Wright.”

“Donna Reed was beautiful,” he says.