Locker Room Chronicles

September 7, 2016 / Erica Herd / 4 Comments

(google)

A couple weeks ago I lost my mother’s necklace. The week before, two pairs of earrings and a necklace of my own. Back in June, I lost two pairs of pants while cleaning out the closet in preparation for our “house viewing” by prospective buyers.

Today I couldn’t open the gym locker after my workout, even though I always use the same combination. I had to get the Facilities guy to unlock it for me. Luckily, it is one of those “modern” locks and can be opened with a master key. So I sat in the locker room waiting, my office attire held hostage.

I didn’t feel like going back to my desk in brown yoga pants and a blue T-shirt, so I had time for contemplation.

Contemplating my manic state, and how I could get locked out of something as benign as a gym locker.

Contemplating the absurd, the trivial, and what got me to this place. Yes, to this locker room, separated from my work uniform, my daily armor.

Isn’t that what we do every day when we leave the sanctity and security of our homes? Suit up for battle? Hope for the best and anticipate the worst. Weather the elements and brave the municipal transportation system. And at the end of the day, hope to make it home in one piece.

My existential musings for the day.

Henri, the Existential Cat

May 16, 2016May 16, 2016 / Erica Herd / 5 Comments

Let me introduce you to Henri, the Existential Cat.

Compare him, if you will. to Sylvester.

Sylvester, in his cat carrier, aka “prison no. 1”

Both suffer, at times, from ennui.

Sylvester does not have a cat door, so his suffering is double that of Henri, as he must wait for his caretaker to walk him on the odious harness. All because his ear was bitten by another cat. “Moron,” says Sylvester, of this cat. “I was protecting our property.”

Prison / torture chamber no. 2: the cat bag

Sylvester recalls being placed in this straightjacket/torture chamber when the veterinarian injected him with needles, and later, when the caretakers applied medicine to his eye and ear. “Is there no end to the indignities?” he asks.

Something Sylvester has learned: “Go along with the ways of the humans as long as it is bearable. Whenever possible, run out the back door and act contrite when they find you. It is all part of a fruitless, demeaning game.”

Jesus in the Glass Elevator

May 16, 2016May 16, 2016 / Erica Herd / 12 Comments

Jesus in the Glass Elevator (E. Herd)

Have you had enough
of gold Jesus in the Glass Elevator
looking down at you

Have you had enough
of shiny TV correspondents
bloviating on the blessed lives of celebrities
before you brush your teeth

Have you had enough
of lawns that keep growing
that you can’t afford to upkeep

what’s the grass for anyway?

Have you had enough
of 15 flavors of Triscuits, including:
Original
Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil
Reduced Fat
Hint of Salt
Rosemary & Olive Oil
Dill, Sea Salt, & Olive Oil
Roasted Garlic
Fire Roasted Tomato & Olive Oil
Garden Herb
Rye with Caraway Seeds

Why fifteen?

Have you had enough
of too much
enough of hearing “amazing”
when it’s not

enough is enough