So this widow thing has not been easy. The almost two year mark is fast approaching: September 29, 2016. Permanently etched in my heart, mind, body and soul. Sometimes I feel insane, like I might break into a primal scream at my workplace, but I try my best to keep the rage and insanity at bay.
August 30th is our wedding anniversary. I try not to think about it, but I do. It would have been ten years.
September 26th is my birthday, which feels like a permanent wash. I do not know if I will ever enjoy having a birthday again. Lorin said he wanted to celebrate my birthday after we arrived in Savannah, September 29, 2016. The new chapter of our lives that never was.
He told me he had purchased special jewelry for the occasion. It was never found at the scene of the car accident.
Not that it meant much at the time. More salt in the already-tired wounds.
I am full of rage at the injustice of Lorin’s death. He was not ill; he is not “in a better place.” I am a lapsed Catholic. I was a very pious child—wanted to be a nun for all of third grade. I believed in a “better place.” But I don’t believe in heaven anymore, so there’s that.
There is no way to “spin” the rage or the sadness when it comes. I don’t make apologies for it.
I am ordering some Jahrzeit candles from amazon to mark the second anniversary of Lorin’s death. They don’t sell them at Kroger or Publix. In New York City, they are easy to find.
From Wikapedia: A yahrzeit candle, also spelled yahrtzeit candle or called a memorial candle, (Hebrew: נר נשמה, ner neshama,[1][2] meaning “soul candle”; Yiddish: יאָרצײַט ליכט yortsayt likht, meaning “anniversary candle”) is a type of candle that is lit in memory of the dead in Judaism.[3] A yahrzeit candle, also spelled yahrtzeit candle or called a memorial candle, (Hebrew: נר נשמה, ner neshama,[1][2] meaning “soul candle”; Yiddish: יאָרצײַט ליכט yortsayt likht, meaning “anniversary candle”) is a type of candle that is lit in memory of the dead in Judaism.[3]
I am terrified. I don’t know if I can make it through these next seven weeks, without . . . but I will try.
Suburban Hobo 
I’m sorry this is such an awful time for you and hope you find a way to navigate through it. Much as we all hate change, life seems to be about changes – some of them awful.
In my ‘for what it’s worth’ department, I believe that each living thing has a soul – some call it the spark of life. I also believe that when the body dies, the soul is released. My mother died when I was 9 and I felt that in soul-form, she became my guardian angel. This might sound ridiculous to you, but as a child, I found it very comforting – and I sill do.
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Thank you.
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So deeply sorry, my friend. And that song…
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Thank you, Roger.
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“The widow thing.”
It seems more horrible,
if you had true love,
which you still do.
Because the absence of the source of love just left.
You.
“They” say it is better to have loved and lost,
than never having loved at all.
What do “they” know?”
I am so sorry.
But the love,
you have,
it can never die.
Which is beautiful,
when you think about it.
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Thinking of you Erica. Lots of love, Tracey
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Erica, my heart goes out to you. Feel all of your feelings—rage, sadness, fear—but keep the door ajar for the (seemingly) lighter ones that are still present, just waiting. You will feel their weight too, when they alight. Beautiful, Poignant song.
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Erica, I really think you would really benefit from reading a book I highly recommend for you. It’s called The Light Between Us by Laura Lynn Jackson. I really believe it will help you. Here’s a link to the book description, but you’ve really got to read it because it’s so much more than the description:
I can be cynical in a “scientific only” way of thinking, but this book led me to think in a different direction. Just give it a try and I guarantee it will take you in a different direction on how you look at this terrible experience you’ve been going through.
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Thank you for the book recommendation.
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You may not remember me or my blog, but 8 years ago I became a widower. I’m old and I thought my life would never hold much joy again. Without looking for love, it has found me! Somewhere here there is a lesson. . . .
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I do remember you and your blog, Greg. So happy to hear the news!
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You had a beautiful love. You’re always in my heart and especially now. 💗
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I wish there were words… Every once in a while, I wonder how you are doing. I remember going back and forth about our mothers and cats. I hope it works out for you ❤
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Thank you, cat.
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You r in my thoughts often, Erica….I have no words of comfort because I truly understand your anger and rage. I have often felt it myself. I’ve read the books, talked with therapists, tried to put a religious spin on it….seems to work for awhile and then bam….comes back. I do know that for ME the anger has negatively impacted my health, so I will continue to read and talk and try to cope, because I truly don’t know what else to do. Sending hugs…Lucie
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