September

So this widow thing has not been easy. The almost two year mark is fast approaching: September 29, 2016. Permanently etched in my heart, mind, body and soul. Sometimes I feel insane, like I might break into a primal scream at my workplace, but I try my best to keep the rage and insanity at bay.

August 30th is our wedding anniversary. I try not to think about it, but I do. It would have been ten years.

September 26th is my birthday, which feels like a permanent wash. I do not know if I will ever enjoy having a birthday again. Lorin said he wanted to celebrate my birthday after we arrived in Savannah, September 29, 2016. The new chapter of our lives that never was.

He told me he had purchased special jewelry for the occasion. It was never found at the scene of the car accident.

Not that it meant much at the time. More salt in the already-tired wounds.

I am full of rage at the injustice of Lorin’s death. He was not ill; he is not “in a better place.” I am a lapsed Catholic. I was a very pious child—wanted to be a nun for all of third grade. I believed in a “better place.” But I don’t believe in heaven anymore, so there’s that.

There is no way to “spin” the rage or the sadness when it comes. I don’t make apologies for it.

I am ordering some Jahrzeit candles from amazon to mark the second anniversary of Lorin’s death. They don’t sell them at Kroger or Publix. In New York City, they are easy to find.

From Wikapedia: A yahrzeit candle, also spelled yahrtzeit candle or called a memorial candle, (Hebrew: ‫נר נשמה‎, ner neshama,[1][2] meaning “soul candle”; Yiddish: ‫יאָרצײַט ליכט‎ yortsayt likht, meaning “anniversary candle”) is a type of candle that is lit in memory of the dead in Judaism.[3] A yahrzeit candle, also spelled yahrtzeit candle or called a memorial candle, (Hebrew: ‫נר נשמה‎, ner neshama,[1][2] meaning “soul candle”; Yiddish: ‫יאָרצײַט ליכט‎ yortsayt likht, meaning “anniversary candle”) is a type of candle that is lit in memory of the dead in Judaism.[3]

I am terrified. I don’t know if I can make it through these next seven weeks, without . . . but I will try.

 

11 thoughts on “September

  1. I’m sorry this is such an awful time for you and hope you find a way to navigate through it. Much as we all hate change, life seems to be about changes – some of them awful.
    In my ‘for what it’s worth’ department, I believe that each living thing has a soul – some call it the spark of life. I also believe that when the body dies, the soul is released. My mother died when I was 9 and I felt that in soul-form, she became my guardian angel. This might sound ridiculous to you, but as a child, I found it very comforting – and I sill do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “The widow thing.”
    It seems more horrible,
    if you had true love,
    which you still do.
    Because the absence of the source of love just left.
    You.
    “They” say it is better to have loved and lost,
    than never having loved at all.
    What do “they” know?”
    I am so sorry.
    But the love,
    you have,
    it can never die.
    Which is beautiful,
    when you think about it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Erica, my heart goes out to you. Feel all of your feelings—rage, sadness, fear—but keep the door ajar for the (seemingly) lighter ones that are still present, just waiting. You will feel their weight too, when they alight. Beautiful, Poignant song.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Erica, I really think you would really benefit from reading a book I highly recommend for you. It’s called The Light Between Us by Laura Lynn Jackson. I really believe it will help you. Here’s a link to the book description, but you’ve really got to read it because it’s so much more than the description:

    I can be cynical in a “scientific only” way of thinking, but this book led me to think in a different direction. Just give it a try and I guarantee it will take you in a different direction on how you look at this terrible experience you’ve been going through.

    Liked by 1 person

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