Years ago, I did a cabaret show that included the Kurt Weill song, “I’m a Stranger Here Myself.” If ever those words rang true, it is now.
I feel like an alien, a zombie (not that I know what a zombie actually does or does not feel).
If I hear “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” one more time in a shopping mall, I will go postal. Yes, I have done all my Christmas shopping and have wrapped most of the gifts. “Fake it till you make it,” as someone said.
The world feels like a dangerous place, a place that offers no security now that my security blanket is gone. Yes, Lorin was my only security blanket in an unpredictable and often cruel world.
I started a list of “Things I Miss About Lorin,” which includes:
(1) How he told me, “I love you,” several times a day and always insisted on a hug before he departed for work.
(2) How he would grab me and start dancing with me in the kitchen while I was cooking and not let me go.
(3) His telling me, “All I need is the love of the Sweetie.” One of his nicknames for me was “Sweetie.”
I’ve come to the realization that no one needs me anymore, except, perhaps, my mom. Lorin needed me. It was good to be needed. It was good to be co-dependent, if that’s what it was. I don’t care. It worked for us, and we were happy.
I haven’t been able to cook or bake since Lorin died. He was grateful for all the meals I prepared for him and even bragged to his co-workers about the lunches I prepared for him. I made extra Christmas cookies so he could have his own tin. He thanked me for every meal, every cookie, even a frozen dinner. I miss having him to cook for, and how grateful he was for every culinary offering.
I made a spontaneous decision to go to New York this weekend to visit my mom and Lorin’s grandmother on Long Island since I won’t be able to see them for Christmas. I need to connect with people who need me (Mom) and loved Lorin (his grandmother). It makes me feel closer to him. I also have a keen sense of my mortality right now. Why wait?
In the evening, I light candles in the living room and in our bedroom, hoping he’ll see them.
This afternoon, I talked to a couple of turtles at the marsh, and asked if they had seen Lorin. No reply.
I said, “Well, if you do, tell him to come and see me.”
Lorin loved animals, turtles included. He said he wanted to die in Savannah. I wish he had lived here too.