With the economy in crisis, and U.S. corporations compelled to downsize or rightsize staff wherever possible, some employers have come up with an edgy new solution: HIRE ZOMBIES.
Zombies are the wave of the future and an incredibly cost-efficient solution to transforming the office into a mean, lean machine.
The chief benefits of hiring zombie staff:
1. Zombies work for free.
2, Zombies don’t sleep so they can work lots of overtime
3. Zombies don’t procreate, so they don’t go out on maternity leave, which can be such a hassle for the company in terms of substitute staffing and possible paid leave
4. Zombies don’t get sick so they don’t require health insurance or sick days
5. Zombies don’t need a 401K because they never retire
6. Zombies are never late for work because they never leave the office. A special zombie barracks will be provided for zombies who want to rest when their bosses do not require their services. Big screen TVs with cable and Netflix will be made available to them so they can catch up on their favorite TV programs. One of their favorite movies is Warm Bodies. Yes, even zombies can fall in love.
7. Zombies don’t make personal calls because they generally have no family or friends
8. Zombies never complain (they barely speak)
9. Zombies don’t decorate their work stations with plants, postcards, photographs and other paraphernalia, thus creating a more professional, sterile (as we like it) work environment
10. Zombies are very strong so they can haul heavy boxes and engage in brute, physical labor without injury (and don’t require workmen’s compensation)
- Zombies will have to be integrated slowly into the work environment, and non-zombie support staff will have to train them, which may be a source of friction.
- Competition / animosity between non-zombie and zombie staff. Ultimate goal, of course, is to achieve an all-zombie staff.
- Eating habits: Zombies are required to have a lunch break, which can be a messy venture. Some have been known to haul bloody carcasses to their work stations. Ground rules will have to be established as to where their “meals” can be consumed and clean up procedures afterward. Even zombies are expected to keep a pristine work station which will not offend outside clients. Zombies are expected to be as invisible/inoffensive as non-zombie staff.
- Acclimatization to a non-human support staff: Bosses will have to adjust to zombie staff and their special needs. For example, zombies tend to mumble and they will have to be trained in proper telephone etiquette.
- Odor: Most zombies are malodorous due their putrefying flesh. Teaching them proper hygiene and setting up powerful scent-blasters throughout the office space to ameliorate excessive stench are currently under discussion.
- Some zombies may be attracted to humans, but there is a strict policy of non-fraternization between zombie and human employees.
So you see, the benefits clearly outweigh the challenges. Times are changing, evolving, and we can’t be set in our ways.
I know some of the human support staff out there may be asking, “What will happen to me? Will I lose my job?”
The answer is, “Not right away.”
A generous severance package will be provided to human staff who successfully train their zombie replacements. Also, it will take several years to reach 100% zombie staffing. Human employees will still have a place in society. If they have substantial savings, they can work independently or live off the land.
Embrace the pioneering spirit!
Pick yourselves up by your boot straps and explore a new destiny. Accept that zombies are the wave of the future, and you will be okay. And if you’re not, we really don’t care.